organicfilth

Joy of Soy

2006-10-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

Finally, a product worthy of this blog! I found this at a supermarket that peddles international fare as well as a good dose of tree-hugging hemp-flax-seed hippie goodness. Imagine how elated I was when I saw:

Soy Lube! Someone was clearly thinking about how we all can use a break from all those over-enigneered german-made high performance synthetic uber lubricants when they came up with Soy Lube! You know, to prevent squeaks and to loosen rusty nuts and bolts and stuff. I could barely keep my hands off as I stood waiting behind the last check writing woman who still hasn't heard of paying with a credit or debit card. The guy behind me was curious too - curious about why I was so curious about soy oil in a spray bottle. I guess that in the end it is just that; soy oil, or is it?

Lets start with the red and yellow color scheme which immediately conjures up images and memories of child molesting clowns, fries and golden arches. Not flowing streams and clear blue skies. As I try to visualize the birth of this product I can see a group of stoned morons being presented with an idea sloppily sketched with crayons dug out of the dumpster behind Applebees on the back of an empty Domino's Pizza box.

First of all, its called LUBE. I dont know anyone who uses that word outside of sexual context - Jiffy Lube being the sad leftover from times more innocent. When was the last time you referred to WD40 as lube? You didn't. Aside the occasional sophomoric euphemism, lube is a term relegated to the bedroom, dungeon and the 'adult bookstore.' Lube is never associated with with squeaky hinges, at least not in the conventional sense. Second, this stuff carries a model number: SL-100, presumably Soy Lube 100. SL-100 doesn't make me think of nature's everlasting and nurturing love. SL-100 makes me think of a room filled with German chemists in lab-coats huddled around the latest friction and elasticity coefficient protocol involving Jeff Palmer and the Oscar Mayer Weiner Mobile. Finally, tucked next to all the other identifiers is the name of the company: Bi-O-Kleen. Any takers? I feel I could just walk away from that one and it wouldn't lose any of its value.

Lets summarize: The Bi-O-Kleen Soy Blends Soy Lube SL-100 is Non-Toxic, Non Flammable, Ozone Safe and can be used to halt squeaks, loosen stuck parts, inhibit Rust and corrosion and to seal and dry out moisture (how it manages to accomplish the last two feats simultaneously is simply beyond my imagination).

Sure I poke fun but in reality I might just be totally ignorant to the environmentally-conscious vegan sexpig market segment.

Assholes

2006-10-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

I am really sick and tired of assholes. Im a sick cynical son of a bitch, I know. Im sarcastic and I love my dark humor, but I use my powers for good and not evil. Unless your IQ test places you somewhere between a bic pen and an empty pickle, you'll know when Im joking and when Im serious. Its all for fun and irony. If there are brits around, its for shits and giggles. Thats just me. Then there are the real assholes who are determined to fuck with everyone else. These are the people who have somehow arrived at the brilliant conclusion that the only way they'll ever get by is to be as anti-social, rude, annoying, inconsiderate, intolerable, confrontational and crotchety as possible. At some point in their miserable lives, these people sat down to do the math only to discover that their success depends completely on making sure everyone hates them. If assholes could somehow keep to themselves, it would be okay. Unfortunately we know that assholes arent happy unless they make everyone around them miserable. These are the people who make is so difficult for everyone else who actually gives a shit and tries to do things right. They are the reason why every decent deed is looked upon with suspicion. These are also the people who will do everything in their power to destroy another human being and act surprised and deeply sorry when they finally succeed. If their ways are ever discovered, they will quickly deflect blame by trying to pin the smallest piece of trash onto to the first decent person to walk by.

Good Parenting Rule #1

2006-10-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

When out in public and with childrem in tow, dont announce what a bad parent you are.

Public Decency Rule #1

2006-10-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

Refrain from sniffing your fingers in public.

Hatespace

2006-10-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

Such fragile are egos on Myspace! A friend sent me this message after he rejected a friend request from someone he didnt recognize:

YA KNOW SOMETHING BRO.. I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.... I REMEMBER YOU FROM HS AND WHEN YOUR PIC POPPED UP,I WAS HAPPY TO SEE A FELLOW ALUMNUS,SO I SENT YOU A REQUEST.... AND NOW I SEE THAT YOU REJECTED IT... WELL YA KNOW SOMETHING BIG SHOT,THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME.... LOOKING AT YOUR DORKY,WAYNE BRADY WANNABE STUPID UNCLE TOM ASS,I WOULDNT WANNA CALL YOU MY FRIEND ANYWAY!! IM WAYYYY COOLER THAN YOUR STUPID ASS...FUCKIN TWIZZARD.... YOURE PATHETIC... KEEP THAT LEFT HAND HAPPY,CAUSE THAT'S ALL THE SEX YOUR BEEFARONI ASS IS EVER GONNA GET... I REALLY WISH THAT YOU WERE STILL ON THE ISLAND,SO I CAN KICK YOUR MORONIC ASS FROM HERE ALL THE WAY TO THE VERRAZANO BRIDGE... YOURE A CROCK OF SHIT..INTELLECTUAL MY ASS... YOU WERE A PATHETIC BEST BUY GEEK SQUAD MEMBER BEFORE IT WAS EVER CREATED!!! ANYWAY ON THAT NOTE,GET A LIFE LOSER... IT'S FUCKS LIKE YOU THAT RUIN THE WHOLE MY SPACE THING WITH THEIR ARROGANCE AND STUPIDITY...IF I EVER CATCH YOU ON STATEN ISLAND, SO HELP ME....ILL IMPROVE YOUR LOOK FOR REAL....ASSHOLE.

My friend's response was cordial and only used capital letters to begin sentences. He calmly explained how he honestly didn't recognize him and was sorry for the misunderstanding. He even went out of his way to highlight how his angry message was unbecoming of someone whose profile claims to be all about 'POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!' In closing he extended an olive branch of peace by asking him to resend the request, knowing full well that he would reject that asshole as soon as the message arrived in his mailbox.

Hiatus

2006-10-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

The two people who actually read this brilliant source of my own self-importance tell me I havent posted in a while. Hard to deny the accusation when my last post was nearly a month ago. Oh how I loathe these flash in the pan bursts of enthusiasm about starting something new and cool. It doesnt help that there are so many other talented bitches who blog the pants right off of me. Its tough to be occasionally funny online. Between the usual self loathing and any number of newfound obsessions, Im hard pressed for time to dish out my personal brand of funny yet insightful tripe. I threatened to toss in the towel once only to get a few half-sincere attempts to stop me.

After a while blogging becomes like visiting your grandparents, giving time to charity or not littering - you feel good when you do it but often find much better things to devote your time to.

Work from home like an idiot.

2006-09-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

We have all seen a parody of how someone teleconferencing from home is only wearing a tie and shirt with nothing else below chest level.

Photoshopped or not, this is the intended look. This is Business Bibs' idea of a genius product for people who teleconference.

Seriously?

Someone please stand up and tell me Im not the only one who thinks this is absolutely moronic.

Alcoholic's Rule #1

2006-09-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

Peppermint Schnapps is not mouthwash.

Alcoholic's Rule #1b: Don't drink mouthwash.

Seeking Experience

2006-09-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent some time this weekend checking out this new product blogging / social shopping / whatever site (ThisNext). Its quite cool, nice to look at but clearly still evolving. People post their 'favorite' cool things on it and share them with the world. I have yet to determine their what their business model is since there is no advertising and I have no idea how the click-through tracking could work with so many sites that don’t offer affiliate programs.

But this isn’t an opinion piece on the future of Web 2.0 businesses.

Most the stuff on there is way cool. A lot of great classic stuff but tons of fun new quirky stuff also. Then you're reminded that you are on the internet. Just like when you do a pure and innocent Google Images search and find tons furries, fisting and impossible penetration images, I ran across some jackass suggesting a personals site:

Hello

I would like to recommend on a great FRee site for students 18 years old and up seeking sex experience. This iste is free and user friendly. Real nice people.
I like this site i found great guys there.

http://www.adultclickfinder.com

tell to all your university friends :)

The wonderful butchering of our language is noteworthy but the part that I LOVE is how he/she promotes the 'sex experience' aspect. Sex Experience? Am I out of the loop? Did I miss my opportunity to jump on the latest trend, again? I mean, it sounds really great: finding people to have sex with so you get better at it instead of aimless unstructured hookups that don’t seem to serve any purpose at all. I’m glad we have moved beyond such savage customs.

How fucking naive is this?

People who seek 'sex experience' are whores in hiding / training.

I’m sure these people think that this experience doesn’t toward the total number of dicks you sucked / rode either. It only makes sense right? People don’t consider college as real experience so why should a practice gang bang count? Just as long as everyone in the group was there to learn something and took notes before or after the session, its all good right? Maybe if there’s a dirty old syphilitic man there to instruct and keep everything on track you can get accreditation.

Get a life you little insecure tramps in severe whore-denial! If you’re a whore, be a whore. There are few things worse than a pious slut!

//end of rant

JANE, the new pimp on the block

2006-09-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

On a continuing theme of not coming up with new and witty topics of my own, but rather waiting until something washes up on my shores, comes this morsel of mediocrity:

Like you and everyone else, I get lots of spam, the bad kind (you go figure that one out). Some of the stuff I really don’t mind getting, most of the promotions GQ sends out flies way under the radar. This said, most of their marketing ploys relate to me enough so I don’t click 'unsubscribe.'

Enter this weeks email:

click the image to go to the JANE Mag page

Apparently, JANE Magazine is running fast after the reality leg, desperately trying to hump it a few times before people get sick of the concept. They devised a brilliant feature in which they try to get some NY chick deflowered.

This can only mean one of two things: GQ plugged in all answers from the countless surveys I took for them and realized that I’m as queer as a dollar bill with Dubya on it OR they still think I’m totally straight and that I want to compete to be the man who helps her get rid of the big V. Either way, I feel insulted that I should find anything that relates of JANE mag in my mailbox!

About Sarah (the virgin at hand): She lives in some all female housing arrangement, went to an all female school and blossomed from a zit faced dork into a big tittied dork. She also does standup comedy and likes baseball. Aside from than the nearly impossible odds of not having been plowed in New York City by now, she seems to have been groomed to be an uber-lesbian destined to play professional gold of tennis. How is it possible not to get laid in NY by now? I dont care HOW picky you are, the place is packed with virile men who are more than willing to help out. Unless your ideal man is one that specifically doesn’t live in NY, you are full of bullshit when you claim that you cant find the right one!

But, as usual, I digress.

JANE will take applications for guys who are interested. You can nominate yourself or your best bud or any number of the people living in your head. The magazine will screen the candidates and Sarah will out on a date with the lucky stiffs - I can only imagine what the qualification process must entail! Each encounter gets detailed on the magazine’s blog. Its like the Truman Show, though much more likely to have someone actually fuck the star of this production.

If Sarah actually decides to make the beast with two backs with one of the penis donors selected for her, the lucky guy gets to be there with her as she realizes that it wasn’t worth it (the sex that is) and that things really ARE going downhill from that point. Happy birthday.

Damned Either Way

2006-09-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

I dont like tabloid magazines - hardly a star fucker. My entire exposure to Us Weekly and The Enquirer is wile waiting to pay at the grocery store, and even then, I only glance at the covers - my fingers never touch the stuff. Occasionally the 'headlines' really go get me. Its also funny how you know its a slow star-fucking week when they revert to classic standby stories about Oprah.

This weeks cover is all about emaciated and gargantuan celebs. The cover, as you can see, is covered with images that seem more fitting for an anatomy class supply catalog (skeletons, get it?). On the bottom it shows John Travolta and his twins and Kirstie Alley's weather balloon ass. Smacked right between the two is Carson Daly - his photo looks like it could have been taken during WWII in a concentration camp. The caption reads "MANOREXIA." Seriously? I just love how more and more terms that were traditionally used with with women need to be modified se we understand how they're applicable to men. You know, because otherwise we wont get it. Ever hear of a Manny? Male Nanny? Brilliantly clever. Has anyone come up with Murse? Male Nurse?

To top if off, I was looking at Overheard in NY when I found this.

Queer #1: You look emaciated
Queer #2: Thank you!

Clearly, it doesnt pay to be normal. Unless your life includes affairs, crack, adopted babies, abusive husbands on crack, cult religions, alcoholism or any combination of these, you are not important and will never survive.

It does however make you examine what you put on the conveyer belt.

Oh, my heart's all a'flutter!

2006-08-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

I admit making the foolish mistake of going to see The Sphere (you know, back in the late nineties). For those who don’t remember, The Sphere was the unofficial ass sucking pile of festering shit sequel to Event Horizon. Really, its the same movie but one is underwater and the other in outer space. They just substituted the actors: Sam Niel for Dustin Hoffman, Kathleen Quinlan for Sharon Stone and Laurence Fishbourne for Samuel L. Jackson! Pure Hollywood casting magic! But I diverge...

I just found this review for the Sphere... not only is this guy brilliant in his observation, his wit and ability to paint such vivid images of absolutely disgusting sexual acts make me so proud. What a master of his craft. This review truly inspires me to do great things.

Justin & Froot Loops

2006-08-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

For some reason – probably because I cant get satellite TV in the spider hole I’ve been living in – I just now caught the new Justin Timberlake video. I’m so totally up to date! Did Angelina ever have that baby? Anyway… I wasn’t totally paying attention and at this point I had heard the song several times on the radio so whatever. Imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw that the woman I thought was singing this song was none other than Justin. Strange experience.

In another moment of discovery, I found out that the good people at General Mills released a brand new, never before conceived, unprecedented product: Fruity Cheerios. Seriously?! Am I the only froot who thinks that they just made Froot Loops? What corporate a-hole thought of this one? Some clever marketing genius was really thinking outside of the cereal box! Not impressed!

This one's for you!

2006-08-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

So, time for a good healthy rant...

I wish to address this post to a certain group of people who insist on pushing the boundaries of everyone’s patience. You know who you are! You are the one who pays for your groceries with a check when you know you have a debit card. You are the asshole who gets on the express line with 50 cans of cat food because its all one kind. You insist on dragging your screaming spawn everywhere you go only for them to berate you at every turn while you stand there and do nothing to salvage whatever scraps of dignity you still have. You are the dumbass who puts plastic spinner hubcaps on your 92 Geo Metro - right after you install that NO2 kit. You are the fuck who goes around and leaves half full cups of StarBucks coffee in supermarkets, home centers and gas stations. Finally, you are the bitch who pulls up to the bank teller window at to cash a check written out to your step son. You have a million questions on how to endorse it. You make sure to shout the bitter details of your divorce into the microphone. You don’t have a pen and you don’t even have an account with that bank. When the teller asks for ID to cash the check, you throw a hissy fit and demand to know why this its so difficult to cash a check.

Here's to you!

Its not supposed to be like Disneyland!

2006-07-30T11:06:00.000-07:00

More than a few feathers were ruffled and some panties got up in a bunch when word spread about the alleged behavior at Flava Works / Cocodorm website; a big brother style site where mostly black and latino ‘room mates’ have sex. Its all about unsafe sex practices, lack of HIV testing and unfair employment of these ‘kids.’ If youre curious enough, go out there and find the original Chicago Free Press article and search for ‘cocodorm’ on any blog search engine. I’m being lazy here.

Obligatory statement: Yes, this whole thing sucks and its unfortunate but…

People! Open up your eyes and smell the crusty spooge on the futons! Does anyone actually believe that working in the porn industry is as healthy, friendly and fair as working at Disneyland for the summer? Seriously!? I am surprised they got caught but nothing about the allegations shocks me! You are dealing in an atmosphere where people trade sexual acts for money. Certain acts will always command a higher payout. All you need are some desperate people willing to take a long-term sacrifice for short-term reward and POOF you have a formula for profit, err, a problem. I would love to see the socioeconomic stats for porn actors – I doubt too many of them are just doing it on the side, as a supplement to a good-paying full-time job with benefits. Maybe you were right all those times you thought you saw that guy from accounting in scat films.

Ooooh, and I love all the backpedaling too. If I hear one more attempt to clear a guilty conscience I’m going to puke! You are NOT noble if you issue a statement that condemns the activity after buying it and yanking to it! 'Had I known, I would have never bought a membership!' You poor thing, how could you have known? Im sure you’re just noticing that the videos not only lack condoms but boast this as a prime selling point in the opening credits! But then again, you were probably looking for the SAFE kind of bareback blatino action weren’t you? Maybe you should look at their Raw Thugs series (1 through 3) and Breion in the Raw.

It pays to be a whore on eBay

2006-07-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

What is one to do while waiting for something to sell on eBay? Not just any old thing, a thing that needs to bring in a bunch of money making it possible buy something else, that costs even more?

NO! I’m not getting rid of my dildo to buy a bigger one! Its way too soon to upgrade again!

The easiest thing to do is to surf eBay's infinite pages filled with trash. How many popsicle-stick and pasta clown figurines can anyone stomach in one day? How about the mountain high pile of Hello Kitty crap - my favorite of which is the BURU BURU Vibrator. Ahh, clever character licensing. I don’t know but some of this stuff must have been posted with the hopes that one of the many sites dedicated to spotlighting odd crap on eBay will somehow launch their dreary lives into second gear.

No! I didnt spend hours looking for potato chips that resemble celebrity babies or those pictured on the most wanted terrorist list.

Instead, I kept plugging in what I thought were unlikely usernames. The results proved as lowbrow as my aspirations to be entertained.

Shockingly, not only are these names amazingly ridiculous, people actually trust them! The number next to the name is the number of their positive transactions.

cumpuppy 277
tiemeup 217
sphincter 200
ahole 153
jerk 27
liar 18
crook 88
jizzman 206
fister 23
whore 240
pimp 25
evilsanta 69
ihanglow 51
thief 5
infectious 122
jizzonme 38
mutilator 41
user 64
gonads 6
sperm 15
bareback 7
vagina 96

These actually exist, but somehow they didnt really live up to their potential. Most have zero or less than 3 postive feedback.

scheisse, slut, handjob, testicle, cum, turd, hung, gayguy, scrotum, poopypants, bigtranny, sexfiend, friendwithbenefits, pigbottom, gimp,chlamydia, bigpenis, jackoff, fistme, serialrapist, blueballs, criminal, contaminated, amputee, thedevil, satan, analwart, pinktaco, uncut, smellysnatch, pooponme, incest, dirtybottom, alleysex, thirdleg, stolengoods,

Not surprisingly, these people have done a great job of living up to their names and earning a bunch of bad feedback

eatmeout -4
dickcheese -1
ilikesex -3
iwillcheatyou 2+ 1-
isteal -2

Finally, to squash a stereotype that might be floating out there. The illustrious and upstanding person responsible for this blog of course doesn’t subscribe to such rubbish, but some of you might believe a myth. Proof that you are wrong:

beefytop (in china)

For the most part, this was a great exercise in seeing how well I could emulate moral and sexual depravity. I think I scored well. During the time it took to do this, not a single person bid on my item.

For those curious: Yes, I was the kind of kid that flipped the pages of a dictionary looking for dirty words. When I found none, I would fill dirty words into crossword puzzles. 10 letter word for rich old man: C O C K S U C K E R

Finally, It didnt occur to me that I should keep track and post this to my blog until I entered about half of the names listed above.

*the dildo comment was a joke, really.

A Sign from God

2006-07-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like a dunce for not halting traffic to photograph a church sign I saw recently. After much regret I went back with my camera- ready like a heavily perspiring, fanny-packin tourist in the center of Times Square - by then they had already changed it. To help with the visual I went to the church sign generator website to re-create what I saw.

Perhaps this struck me because I just dont expect this kind of tongue-in-cheek humor out out of the bible thumpers. Not the baptists, protestants and certainly not the catholics. I'm a deist and a recovering catholic so I may have no ground to stand on when say this feels tacky and juvenile. On top of that it seems to fly in the face of the idea that God / jesus already knows all of us and has no need to meet us. He has all of us in his rolodex, though some of us have opted to join the do not call registry. Jesus knows me, so does his dad, and they both certainly know what kind of prick I am.

Of course, thats not even the meat of this great example of some genius thinking outside of the box. The terrible pun at the center of this tragedy is barely worthy of Whose Line is it Anyway. Wane Brady would have done a song or a dance out of it. He would jump and twist his body in an effeminate way. He would expose his mid-drift and push the limits on the seams of his pants - that would be funnier. Alas, no Wayne Brady here - just a serious looking church sign that automatically gives whatever message appears in its body the gravity to rattle the minds of the god-fearing variety. This is where I would expect to see hourly reports as the apocalypse nears- with styx traffic updates on the 11s from 5 to 7 and hades weather twice every hour. Like most working stiffs, I worked in many similar situations where what ends up in front of the general public is just one of many possibilities that got axed in the process. What makes this system wonderful is its ability to weed out all the dumb ass ideas and makes sure only the crème de la crème makes the cut. I shudder to think this is the best idea out of what they had to work with. Did 'Im dying to meet you' beat out 'Dont leave me hangin', 'Im hangin in there with you buddy' and 'dont leave me high and dry'? At least these are prime for Wayne Brady - no extra effort or need to expose his gut with these gems.

15 More Minutes!

2006-07-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

Preface: After reading gothamwhore's post on Kathy Griffin's latest dreary attempt to revive her presence in our collective short attention span, I began to rant out a comment. What started as a short piece of trash talk turned into a 'what I did this summer' essay. It is being reposted here for your pleasure, and because I spent more time on it than any of my usual posts.

With so many washed up celebrities, child actors and the constant flow of genetic waste generated by Reality TV, its hard to rise to the top once you've fallen out of sight. Fear not though... you can still make a comeback and once again enjoy popularity that will never end.

First, pick up a mild addiction to children’s cough medicine – brands endorsed by elmo, big bird or any filntstones character are best! Then shoplift obscure things to signal a subtle cry for help – the stranger the better – I’d start with prosthetic limbs and hearing aid batteries. Occasionally get pissfaced on boxed pink zinfandel (Arbor Mist also works) and get belligerent with your neighbors – in the nude is better - with a non-english speaking horse hung midget gigolo is best. Throw in some paranoia and demand that the phone company stop manipulating your menstrual cycle! Once your self-destructive behavior makes the local free press, call your publicist and stage a quick and turbulent downward spiral that uses all your vices simultaneously. Aim for headlines that read “Former comedienne ODs on Robitussin mid shoplifting spree – found nude in RadioShack.” Lay low (pronounced ‘go into exile) for a few months. Use this time to compile a basic structure for a religion based on the deep wisdom embedded in organic food packaging. Start with Kashi and work your way up to obscure vegan products. Call your publicist again and hit the talk show circuit hard. Make it your mission to share your miraculous story with the world. Remember, its not about you! You are coming out to help people deal with their own dark issues. Confess to more than the public was aware – cross-dressing, obsession with German scheisse porn, whetever. Be proud of your bravery - you no longer crave midget dick! You have found salvation in your new faith: a wholesome and balanced approach to life that is strengthened by a reverence for our land: our spaceship earth. Write a book. Enlist help from one of the women on The View. Better yet, find an accomplice. What’s Sisqo doing these days? On second though, forget about him, unless you nix the midget obsession from your initial exploits.

Sycophants

2006-07-12T22:06:00.001-07:00

I love a good word. Really. Panchreas was and maybe still is one of my favorites. I also love pedantic and pontificating (thank you Jim Carrey). Over the last year I have witnessed a rapid revival of a seldom-used word: sycophant. I first heard it in Batman Begins. Oooh, and its use was so appropriate! Just a delicious word!

A servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people.

What an absolutely wonderful word! Finally, a worthy bedfellow for lickspittle, bootlick and toady!

After years of total obscurity, I begin to encounter the word on TV, in casual conversation and in newspapers. Turns out that the word has not only planted itself firmly in my mind but also the minds of everyone else. I took my theory online and searched for the term on technorati. Sure enough, the word has been used with increasing zeal since the premiere of Batman Begins.

You are a bunch of...

Learn to use a ruler!

2006-07-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Its not too unusual for me to troll for dick pics at any number of ‘nasty’ personals sites. Its fun and can easily kill hours of what would otherwise be a productive use of my time. My biggest pet peeve is how most of these boys measure their junk! Seriously! Learn to use a ruler or stop measuring in the metric system! If you happen to be one of those few lucky individuals who is capable of wielding a ruler with as much skill as your dick, I apologize. Clearly there are a lot of people making it hard for someone with ‘real inches’ to be taken seriously. For the rest of you, who somehow continue to defy the findings of every known attempt to capture average penis size, I offer the following advice:

For starters, try finding something allegedly as large as your dick – hardware stores are a great resource of all things well measured. Hold it in your hand. If you are suddenly overcome with a simultaneous sense of envy and insecurity, and most of you will be, it means your dick is not big as you claim! You’ll be shocked how big an 8.5” dick actually is! Take a moment to measure carefully. Without creating a need for complicated diagrams, use some common sense for pete’s sake! You shouldn’t dig the ruler deep into your flesh hoping to squeeze out an extra inch! The base of the ruler should be at the base of your dick, not between your legs pressed up against your asshole, asshole!

Maybe you never actually got anywhere near a ruler. Maybe your sole point of reference is some other bozo who told you he had a 8” dick – maybe yours was a bit bigger and so you scientifically deduced that you are the proud owner of a 11” dick. Coincidentally, the Bush administration admires your commitment to the strict adherence to empirical science as wishes you contact them immediately to help reinterpret reality. Go on, hurry!

Also, who are the people who hook up with these daydreamers and don’t call them on it!? You’re the first to send you

Hypocrite?

2006-07-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

So it seems I am. Once upon a time I came across an absolutely fierce blog and like so many other assholes before me, I felt the need to jump on the wagon! My first post even bashed the crap out of people who use up all the brilliant blog names and do nothing with them! Ahh, how foolish I was. Months back I even deleted all my previous posts out of shame.

Well, I’m back, bitches!

I really don’t know what will become of this renewed attempt to publish my thoughts. There is hope that I will somehow adapt my personal thoughts into this format, though that kind of wishful thinking rivals the effort to create a device that converts what comes out of a politician’s mouth into something other than shit.